I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
