i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize