i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
