I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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