I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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