I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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