If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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