Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
