did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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