I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize