Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
