Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
