I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I have aggressive nipples.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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