I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize