I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I need to calm my uterus...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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