he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
