oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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