Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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