Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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