somebody snuck up and got me drunk
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
