You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
