i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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