In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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