I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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