He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
