it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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