1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
