when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
