the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
