look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
