and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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