fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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