new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
