I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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