my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
