so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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