hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
