don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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