i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
