the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
