Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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