Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
