Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He felt like a one man threesome
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
