apparently the secret to your success is patron
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
