JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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