I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
