I wish my penis had an off switch
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
