Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
