Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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