So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
40s are totally the cure
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
