your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
