The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
