I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
