I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
