I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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