Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
