A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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