I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
