I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
