I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
