hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
